Gotta Love Christmas

The one year I decide to get into the Christmas spirit. The one year I try to do the whole present fiasco. The one year I actually bothered to tell more than five people "Merry Christmas" turns out to be the worst Christmas ever.

I think I'm done with Christmas.

I Can't Hate You Anymore

I'm really mad at myself.

Having a revelation out of whim is just so hectic.
Having impressions about someone I really cared about completely changed doesn't really help. It's times like these when I look back and I call myself idiotic. Blinded by the obvious, now regretting the obvious
Even after how much I convinced myself that I was the good guy, trying to do good, there still is a small twinge in my heart to forgive. I guess hearing the truth really does help soften a heart.
It's funny. From feeling extremely nostalgic to being revealed the truth, it seems like everything was a buildup.
To the person this concerns, I owe you big time.

Little too late now? Who knows

Man In The Mirror - Michael Jackson

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right . . .

As I, Turn Up The Collar On My
Favourite Winter Coat
This Wind Is Blowin' My Mind
I See The Kids In The Street,
With Not Enough To Eat
Who Am I, To Be Blind?
Pretending Not To See
Their Needs
A Summer's Disregard,
A Broken Bottle Top
And A One Man's Soul
They Follow Each Other On
The Wind Ya' Know
'Cause They Got Nowhere
To Go
That's Why I Want You To
Know

I'm Starting With The Man In
The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change
His Ways
And No Message Could Have
Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
Take A Look At Yourself, And
Then Make A Change

Some Mad Hope

Yeah really. Some mad hope.
I don't know why but that album name just really caught my attention.
Oh and the album contains the song I heard earlier at a Japanese food place. I'm quite glad I managed to find it.

I think I give decent advice.

My friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. During lunch she was crying like there was no tomorrow. I haven't been in exactly the greatest mood recently but I still felt horrible that she was there crying - over a relationship.
I couldn't really do much. I'm not super close to this person nor do I know what exactly happened in the relationship.
So I got up, took my pack of napkins from my bag, and gave it to her. Then I told her that it wasn't worth it.


I guess she took those words into her heart. She was feeling much better the next day and she even said I was right. It really isn't worth it.
I'm glad I made someone feel better. I guess the funniest part is I can cheer someone up even though I'm not feeling so great myself.
And I guess the saddest part is the fact that I don't take my own advice.


I never realized how many people hide behind the tears of a clown. In other others, many people put on a fake smile. Deep down inside one might be feeling miserable.
However on the outside they seem to be fine and perfectly joyful.
But hey, kudos to them for being able to keep it in like that.

I recently heard a new song by Elliot Yamin called This Step Alone
Everything in this song relates to one of my relationships with a dear friend. Listening to some of these lyrics really stood out to me cause well... it mirror images the situation
"I saw us break, I watched us fall, it made no sense to me at all"
"Then we'd choose to go our separate ways instead of meeting us half-way. And if I had to choose girl, I'd have you by my side"
"I've been waiting for your mind to change cause it feels so one-sided"
In my heart of hearts, I always knew, this jump was way too far for you"

Freshmen Logic

Freshmen are really really getting on my nerves this year.
Ever heard of the term freshmen logic? If you haven't, well now you have. Don't know what it is? I'll explain.
Freshmen all come in as a naive bunch of kids. They're reckless and still carry much of their Junior High School habits. I don't want to stereotype them and it should be understandable that the majority of them lack common sense and maturity. After all, they are only what? Fourteen years old?
Let me give you an example.

Freshmen are WAY TOO COMPETITIVE.
We were doing the pacer test in gym and its understandable that everybody wants to achieve a high score. However, I don't see the need to kill yourself just to run two more pacers than your friend. These freshmen? Man they were talking about this pacer test since the second week of school. Not to mention they competed in everything, sit-ups and push-ups. It was hell having to listen to them bicker about fruitless topics considering I sit extremely near them.
Freshmen are IMMATURE!
Okay, this is understandable. They're immature, they're young. But seriously I'd expect even a freshmen to not whine about something so stupid.
Our gym teacher told us to assign numbers to our group members. Therefore, I started counting from one to seven. I told a girl she was five. Guess what?
"NO BUT I WANT SEVEN"
Seriously now? You want seven? Well I don't give a damn because it doesn't matter if you're seven or not. I just stared at her like WHAT THE FUCK.
Seriously freshmen piss me off.
I acknowledge that I'm a "upper class men" and all Juniors and Seniors feel this way.
Wrong, I had a lot of freshmen friends who are now sophomores. There's nothing wrong with them. Who knows, maybe its just this years bunch.

I got sick on Friday and missed youthcan. I felt horrible, I was sure I was going to come down with a huge fever.
Oddly enough, I didn't have much of a fever, just a cold and fatigue. I felt horrible on Saturday but by night time I felt muchhhh better. On sunday I felt practically fine except a little tired and the typical cold symptoms. Quite odd, I usually get fevers if I get a cold.

Today's lyrics are from Meet You There by Owl City

If we could sit together a moment and talk forever just to pass the time
I would smile as the shivers and chills run down my spine
As your eyes are locked on mine
We'll fill the metro sky with country eye.
And when you close your eyes I'll meet you there.

It's just so whimsical, it's disheartening.

Honestly now?

I don't think I can say I've lost faith yet but I think I'm close.

Can something like this honestly be that fragile? I mean you don't spend months on something you want just to deviate to another path. When you truly want something you simply don't decide to act on a whim and chase a brand new thing.

No, I'm not the one being hurt. But I know people who will be. To me it's really unfortunate though because I don't understand why people would even bother to get hurt by something so WHIMSICAL.

Ah, then again you probably don't even know what I'm talking about.

I hate being called things in which I think I'm not.

Did I ever mention awkwardness on my blog? I think I did.

I don't believe in it.

For everyone out there who think awkwardness results from things such as confessing to someone, well, quite frankly you're wrong.

It's simple. If the guy and girl both acknowledge that there should be no awkwardness between them, and they absolutely mean what they're saying, there won't be any. It's not hard.

I have proof.

Now, being an awkward person. I don't believe in that either. Unless someone's seriously weird and does... well awkward things around people. But other than that, it's all bullshit.

I guess that's it.

P.S. I still can't sing

Today's lyrics is from a very famous song, Don't Stop Believing by Journey

Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train going anywhere

Just a city boy

Born and raised in south Detroit

He took the midnight train going anywhere

A singer in a smokey room

The smell of wine and cheap perfume

For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on.

Clearly not competent enough.

I've failed. Again. Completely rejected. Again.

I couldn't take it anymore. I felt it before it even happened but I kept going on because I told myself it was nothing and this was sacrifice at its zenith.

But no, my legs completely rejected the strenuous effort I put in.

Let me start from the beginning.

Yesterday was Varsity Basketball tryouts. I decided to go with my friend, just to try, for the hell of it. I don't know what made me but I guess playing for a team and being able to play organized basketball for once was extremely intriguing.

The first couple of drills were easy, I screwed up a little bit but that was mostly because it was my first tryout. We did some three on three match-ups after.

That's when everything went downhill.

First off, my two teammates would not pass the ball. They were black; go figure.

I had ONE shot for three games, and that was a three pointer which I took, and swished in despite my teammate repeatedly telling me to pass the ball.

Then I felt a twinge in my calves. I knew I couldn't take it much longer but I hoped it would go away.

After, we did some free throw drills. Easy enough, I had rest for my calves. Everyone had to run sprints because they missed free throws. On my fourth one, I felt it. My calves gave up on me and completely cramped up. There wasn't much I could do except lay on the floor trying to deal with the pain. Thankfully my other friend happened to be there and stretched out my leg.

I was unable to move for a good ten to fifteen minutes. I dragged myself down to the locker room and I knew that my attempt for the Varsity team this year was over.

That was that, one and done. I was only there for the first day of tryouts, there were supposed to be two more left.

But I know I rather do something else. Sing, dance, whatever. I really want to do something involved with music.

I put music as a major on my PSAT scantron today anyways.

Maybe next year.

Today's lyrics are from Fireflies - Owl City. Man Owl City is amazing , I don't know how this guy comes up with these awesome songs. He writes about the most random thing!

You would not believe your eyes

If ten million fireflies

Lit up the world as I fell asleep

Cause they fill the open air

and leave teardrops everywhere

You'd think me rude but I would just stand and stare

I'd like to make myself believe that

Planet Earth turns slowly

It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep

Cause everything is never as it seems

Cause I get a thousand hugs

From ten thousand lightning bugs

As they try to teach me how to dance

What exactly are friends?

Look, I envy all of you out there with these great amazing friends.

Throughout my life, I don't think I've ever established, really, being "best friends" with someone.

Maybe it's acknowledged now but never established.

Friends.

Sure, I have close friends. But at times one must stop to wonder, why are they close? Are they really close or do I just THINK they're close. Maybe they don't really care about you.

Yes, I see some of my friends as people I can trust. But at times I feel as if it's sketchy. Maybe it's just me and my ideal friendship's expectations just aren't met.

There's too much to list but I don't even know if I have friends that are worthwhile sometimes.

I've never received a Christmas present from a friend

I've never received a birthday present from a friend.

Matter of fact, now that I think of it, I've never received one in general.

No, I'm not asking for one. I honestly don't want anything, but I feel as if it would be a nice feeling in my heart if I had friends who actually cared enough to get something even if I don't want anything.

Yet has a friend done something for me that has touched my heart.

Friends.

Though I must admit, there is one friend who I miss dearly.

I really thought that, he or she, was truly a significant part of my life. And now, they're gone.

I feel like an asshole just thinking about what happened.

Friends.

Friendships are way too fragile. It's like a carton of eggs, if you don't handle it with care, it will break. It's quite unfortunate.

Arguments, revelations, disagreements, you name it. Anything can ruin a friendship.

How many times have you heard about a huge argument dividing friends?

How many times have you heard about the huge deal about "trust" dividing friends?

How many times have you heard about shit talking behind people's backs dividing friends?

How many times have you heard about a friend liking another close friend, and everything ends up in shambles, eventually resulting in a division of friends?

How many times have you heard about back stabbers?

Exactly. My point is made. All of these things are practically embedded in society nowadays.

It's disheartening, though, some of these things.

Friends.

Today's lyrics are from That's What Friends are For by Dionne Warwick and various artists.

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd.

Too many times, this same thought keeps striking me.

I don't know about you but I seem to happen a lot of these "moments" where I realize that I should have done something this way, but for some reason, I didn't think of it. Like, it seemed so obvious and logical now that I think about it, but hell, two days ago, I would have never thought about it.

Then I feel like a retard for not thinking about it because it would have been so much smarter to have done that. Then...well, you can guess it, regret.

This has been happening quite a lot to me recently and I have no clue why. It's as if I don't think through things enough (and trust me, I think too much).

Common sense, Kevin, common sense, I keep telling myself.

Ironic, my class is reading Common Sense by Thomas Paine in Humanities. Hm.

Today's Lyrics are from Life, Love, and Laughter by Donavon Frankenreiter

Don't look back, it won't do any good

But don't look ahead, you'll just be misunderstood

Everything you need could be right in front of you

Doesn't take much to see what is true

Looking for life, love, and laughter

Everything in between and what happens after

Looking for life, looking for love, looking for laughter

Well, there's a time for giving up.

I find that one of the hardest to do is wanting to give up on a goal or something.

Sometimes I feel so discouraged, like all hope is lost and I just want to completely give up what I've been striving for. It's like a feeling of disparity when you realize perhaps all hope is really gone.

I realize that I really hard for a lot of things but all my effort seems futile. Maybe a month later or something I just realize maybe this is stupid. There's no reason to continue trying if I'm going to fail anyways. Things like that get me really down. It's stupid, I know.

But then I think and think, and I see that honestly, I still have a slim glimmer of hope. I wonder if I should keep trying, I mean, miracles do happen. Then, I realize that I haven't done what I promised to do when I began on this "journey". And the last thing I want to do is to disappoint myself again.

But no, I think to myself I should just get over this. It's stupid, pointless, and most importantly hopeless. So I decide, I'm giving up. There's always a time for giving up.

Who am I kidding?

I know myself too well, even IF I tell myself that I'm done, completely given up on something, I won't stop pursuing it. I'll continue to put effort and think about it. That's just simply my weakness, I can't put closure on anything I really should. It's as if I need a complete rejection to my face, saying NO, you've failed. Then, perhaps, I can move on.

What makes everything harder is the fact that I know I try my heart out for the things I want. I give it my everything, i sacrifice whatever, and go through anything it takes as an attempt to reach my goal. And just thinking about all of that, and giving it all up? It's not a great thought.

And you know what really sucks? To realize that perhaps you're not as important to someone you as you thought you might have been. That maybe you were just there, but at the same time, a ghost. And they don't remember a single thing about you, or they simply just don't care.

Today's lyrics are from You and Me by Lifehouse

One of the things that I want to say, just aren't coming out right

I'm tripping in words, you got head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

Today's a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go.

Junior year will commence tomorrow and I don't know if I'm excited or scared.

I'm scared because of all the possiblities. I could end up doing horrible in school, something might happen with friends, or soemthing else starts to bother me. A lot.

Who knows, maybe it'll be like Sophomore year again, because right now, it sure seems like yet another repeat. But I don't want it to be; I don't want a rerun of Sophomore year.

Oh, and I'm scared of disappointment.

On the other hand, I'm excited for all the things that CAN happen. Maybe I'll have amazing teachers, maybe I'll have very few problems with friends, or instead of something bothering me, it'll just be good fortune coming my way. Just thinking about all the possiblities gets me really excited.

But then I just sink myself back into reality and realize that none of those things have happened yet.

I believe this year will be very pivotal.

I wish everyone who's starting school, Good Luck.

Today's lyrics are from one of my all-time FAVORITE, Stolen by Dashboard Confessionals

We watch the season pull up it's own stakes.

And catch the last weekend, of the last week.

Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced.

Another sun soaked season, fade's away.

You have stolen my heart

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grand farewell.

Crash the best ones, of the best ones.

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed

Too early to say good night.

You have stolen my heart

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebrations.

One good strech before our hibernation

Our dreams assured, and we all

Will sleep well, sleep well.

Sleep well.

Sleep well.

It just keeps getting in the way.

So now I'm standing at this point once again

Problems like this, it just never seems to end

But this isn't anything new

I may not like it, I'm utterly confused

And when the world seems to be teasing

Temptation is so wild, the results could be appeasing

Now my whole world is raining with tears of confusion

Is what I'm thinking of all an illusion?

But I swear when you're here, by my side

It lifts all the dark clouds from the sky

So can you wipe my tears of confusion

This all seems like a sequal number two

Just trying to get to you

Maybe, that's the right thing to do

You know, the thing the call confessions, telling the truth

Thought about it, but I said no

There's just too many things in the way so

Now my whole world is raining with tears of confusion

Is what I'm thinking of all an illusion?

But I swear when you're here, by my side

It lifts all the dark clouds from the sky

So can you wipe my tears of confusion

Well, there's my poor attempt of a written song; highly inspired by In The Way by Ne-Yo

Yes, I know it's horrible but I just had to write something, I was dying to.

Lyrics today are from Gibberish by Ryan Leslie

Time is running out, please don't make me wait

I'm all alone, I'll stab a day.

Lost and love a ghost, Lost all alone

It's another lost one, you stay gone.

Pushed on a wall, hit in the face

I don't wanna go, I'll stab a day

Lost and love a ghost, I'll stab a day

I'll take you, I'll take you on a date

I'm telling, I'll take you, I'll take you on a lovely date, a lovely date

and I'll take you, I'll take you on a day date

and it's a lovely day, a lovely day, a lovely day.

Lyrics

You know what? I get so mad at myself when I look at other songs. If i like a song, the first thing I look up is pretty much the lyrics. I try to comprehend what the song means because I feel lyrics can tell so much and can evoke a different mood depending on what the songwriter.

Now when I look at songs like Crush by David Archuleta, I just wonder to myself why can't I write something like that? It's so simple, it's about a crush, yet the words and meaning seem so perfectly smelted together to create this song.

The meaning of the song is straightfoward, no twists or turns. I could have easily thought about how having a crush feels like. But no, I can't write something like that.

Then the next song, A Little Too Not Over you by David Archuleta. Yet another relatively simple and easy song, it's about a guy, persumably, who can't get over a past lover. How much more simple can it get? I can sure think of emotions and thoughts about getting over someone, but I would never be able to put it all into a song. No, I can't.

Some songs are a bit hard to comprehend, especially older songs (classics). Like Scar Tissue by RHCP, I didn't get what the song meant at all until I serached it up on google. Songs like that I can understand why I can't just write out of the blue

But cmon, songs like Crush? I should be able to write that in a second.

One day I just want to write something that is actually good, not like any of the crap I've written so far. Something simple like Crush. Or even simpler songs like Trouble by NeverShoutNever!

I always can't seem to get the words out of me when I want to write a poem or song. There's always things I want to say but I can't seem to dictate them in a eloquent fashion. Esepcially recently, everytime I write, I think it's horrible and I delete it. Then I try to make it as perfect as possible to convey my thoughts but I'm never satisfied with my own work.

And when I listen to a song like crush, I just wonder, "WHY COULDN'T I HAVE DONE THAT?"

Today's lyrics, Seasons of Love from the musical Rent

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousands moments so dear

Five hundred twenty-five six hundred minutes

How do you measure, measure a year.

In daylights, in sunsets

In midnights, in cups of coffee

In inches, in miles

In laughter, in strife.

Depression, sadness, desparity, whatever you want to call it.

Sadness isn't a good feeling. Everyone should know that.

I've always wondered what's the true cause of melancholy.

Okay well, I know what causes it; family deaths, relative problems, fights, stress, and probably the most common cause, love. Seriously, I know way too many friends with love problems. And I know some of them would be put into a huge depression if something bad happened. But you know what? I completely understand why they would; although they shouldn't.

Words are almost meaningless when it comes to snapping someone out of depression. I can tell my friends to move on all I want but they'll still be sad. So in situations in these, when encoruagement doesn't work, I think time works the best.

I know what can cause me to be "sad", I know the reasons. However, for some odd reason, no matter how hard I try to stop it, it doesn't go away. It's something that's almost unconquerable. I think to myself, wow, I need to think thinking. I know this is the reason why I'm sad and it's incredibly stupid yet I can't seem to get rid of the feeling. It actually feels worse when you know the cause for the sadness one might be feeling.

It also doesn't help that I tend to think way too much. Sometimes I think I just make things seem a lot worse than it is. I hate myself for that.

Wouldn't it be just awesome if you could somehow stop this emotion?

Today's lyrics are from I Think About You Everyday by A Rocket To The Moon

Oh girl these nights are dull

I wish that I could spend them with you

I'm looking at this wall

Repeating "Girl I love you"

Just take your pick

They're all the same

These things that you're telling me

Can't really show me how you feel

I'm breaking down

I'm falling down

But now I'm breathing

And now I am scared to move

Don't listen to a word I tell you

Just take my hand

And I swear I'll make this up to you

I was feeling the night grow old.

So I've realized one thing.

I've always felt my parents weren't exactly the "nicest" parents ever. When I was young I actually disliked them because they constantly disallowed me to do many things; while my friend's parents practically allowed them roam around. I felt like they were a bit too protective.

Obviously that has changed drastically now that I'm older. In addition, I feel much different about them as if my perspective has changed. I think about my parents and I just realize how lucky I am to have such great parents. Yes, there are the occasional problems, but overall my parents are great. They aren't constantly oppressing, condeming me, or discouraging me. As a matter of fact, my mom would always support me through whatever I choose to do. They're incredibly nice even after I've done something wrong. My mom cooks everyday, it's not like I don't get allowance, I don't get yelled at for stupid reasons. My dad is really loving and I mean wow, what more can I ask for?

Then I think about my friends. I have so many friends with parents that are the complete opposite of mine. Whether it be threatening to disown a child, consistent oppression, or just being angry for plain stupid reasons, I just feel disheartened to hear about these things. It's as if the parents never realize the discontentment of their child. What's even weirder, I really want to help anyone with these kinds of parents. I'd honestly try my best If I could somehow help; like giving advice. Your parents aren't someone you should be hating; they should be someone you love and can look up to. But I know a lot of my friends can't possibly do that anymore and I completely understand why.

I just wish I could give them my parents for a day and see how wonderful they truly are. I just want to do something to show them how a true parent is. Unfortunately, this is impossible, unless of course they were somehow adopted. I don't know but, somehow the next generation of parents will be completely different in my opinion. Many people have experienced the feeling of horrendous parents so I doubt they'd make the same mistake to their child.

Now that I think about it, I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful parents.

I'm drinking ginger ale. And it's really late at night.

It's 3:30 AM, dead at night.

First off, I'm not even sure if anyone would ever feel this way so it's a bit odd that I would feel this way.

I have a friend who I used to be really close to although we don't talk anymore. I'm pretty sure that person absolutely hates me now, but it's funny.

Even though I might be disliked, deep down in my heart, I feel like I would still be there for that person. If they were in any type of trouble, I would honestly try my best to help them. I feel as if I owe a favor that I can never repay; or rather an apology. However, I know the chance to ever tell him/her about this will never come. It's rather disappointing that we don't talk anymore because that person is still dear to me, deep down. I undestand it's quite weird that I can possibly feeling this way considering that person hates me now, but still.

I'm a big believer of "sacrifice". No, not the sacrifice often linked with religion but rather putting time and effort into something one would want to achieve. I believe that if one were to put enough time and effort, almost anything is possible. I guess that's the reason why when i desire soemthing, I try my heart out. I would go beyond any possible lengths to achieve that goal.

But then there are times where I wonder, why do I even bother? I could be wasting my time completely trying to reach for something that is well, unreachable. But m dedication always shows, and I end up putting up a last endeavor, and usually it doesn't go quite well.

Recently I've realized I can't write. It's like I don't have any motivation to write poems or anything. And when I do write one, it just seems so immature in a way; something a sixth grader would write.

But whatever, here's one I wrote that sort of relates to what I meant by "sacrifice"

i told myself, for you i will

though to this moment i've stood still

contridicting what i said before

every word that promised i'd do more

to fight the bad feelings, lift my head high

to stop looking upon the all that's wrong in life

but something so critical can bring me so down

and in the next moment that smile turns into a frown

i think to myself, why, WHY am i so weak?

it seems every promise i make to myself i can't keep

but i told myself for you i will

so i'll strive for that goal until it's filled.

Today's lyrics are from Say by John Mayer

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living up the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off if you could only

Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end

It's better to say too much, than to never say what you need to say again

I do know.

Deep down in my heart I know what's right.

To perceive right from wrong, clearly in my sight.

To ask, to talk, to take a little walk.

Seemingly manageable, but I'm scared to take that fall.

Always thoughts and moments away

From doing what I dream about everyday.

Then I fidget, withdraw my hand.

And leave myself with a life oh so bland

Although I can't say that's a surprise

I never reach for that shiny golden prize.

Just someting I wrote, wonder if anyone can guess the meaning; feedback on poem?

So today, I went to YouthCan for my second week, and it was really fun. The things they have planned out always seem really fun and exciting. And there's a picnic next week!

It's very exciting, can't wait :)

Little Darling, it seems it's been years since it's been here

Okay no, it hasn't been "years"

Well so much for that "haitus", I feel like I really really need to rant; just go on and on.

Okay, so let's start. First off, Mega is finally over. I don't really know if this is exactly a good thing or not because I'm going to miss the atmosphere in Mega. My English teacher Mr.Dahilie (I think I spelled that right), was amazing. I really liked him because I understood his explanations and also he's one of the most patient teachers ever. Now that's Mega is over for the summer, I probably won't be going back for summer classes anymore. I'll miss that. Really.

I doubt in Bayside I'll ever receive a really good education. With each school year, there's always one or two horrible teachers that simply just can't teach, unfortunately. Wow, I can't believe school is almost starting. Am I looking foward to it? I don't know. Do I care? Yes I do.

Everytime I write a blog I always wonder about something. I hope nobody reading this blog is classifying me or stereotyping me in any kind of way. I might seem very "sad" and "moopy" while blogging but that's just to rant and vent every little thing inside of me. Why? Because I feel like I can't really tell anyone about these things anymore. I mean sure, I can tell my close friends but everyone has a limited attention span. Besides, I don't really want to annoy the crap out of them. Although I love to be ranted to, when other people have problems, I just love hearing them and attempt to offer a viable solution. Plus, having deep discussions with people bring's one another closer to each other! Oh, and not to mention, I deleted a lot of my notes on Facebook just so people won't judge me; considering my notes on facebook contain poems that are often depressing. But to me, it just seems that sad things are easier to write.

So if anyone happens to be reading this, just because my blog is filled with melancholy rants doesn't mean I'm truly like that! I hope no one misjudges me.

So someone tell me, what is confidence? How does one evoke it? How does one keep it up?

I don't think I will ever find the answer to those questions because the definitions I get just don't fit anymore. So hell, I'll be wondering forever. I think some of the most confident people are undeserving of it. It's like hey, great, you have confidence to do a lot of things. However, are your motives morally good? Having too much confidence of course can result in Hubris, and no one wants that. But of course, a tad bit of confidence is ALWAYS good.

Did I ever mention on this blog? I love singing. Absolutely adore, love it. If there was one thing I could do for a living, it'd be singing and writing music. As a matter of fact, I'd spend the rest of my life doing those two things and also pick up an instrument or two. I don't know why but my ambition is simply, music. I really love it.

But like most people, my voice isn't that great. Everyone tell's me I "can't sing". It really is quite discouraging at times but I guess I can't say I'm good, If well... I'm not. But I always sing randomly anyways, outside, at home, randomly with friends.

Writing lyrics, oh yes, I love this. What other better way to vent besides writing on a blog than with lyrics. With lyrics (or even a poem), the writer or poet can hide a secret message into their peice of art. Everything I write has some sort of hidden meaning to it; at least most of them.

I think I have more of a shot at this as a carrer consider I people actually give me positive feedback on most of my writings.

Instruments, hm. I really want to learn how to play a piano because it just seems so elegant. How can someone not want to learn it? It can be fast, slow, sorrowful, happy, loving, peaceful, etc. I do play my guitar and I've gotten better at it considering it's been around a month since I've gotten it. But wow, if I could learn both? That would be amazing.

Okay I'm done for today.

Lyrics, ah this is going to be hard, but I'll go with She Is Love by Parachute

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around

But she takes it all for me.

And I lost my faith, in my darkest days.

But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She's all I need

Well I have my ways, they were all in vein.

But she waited patiently.

It was all the same, all my pride and shame.

But she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She is Love.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have someone like that?

I took my bruises, took my lumps.

Fell down and got right back up.

I'm going to be going on a haitus for a while on this blog. There's really no reason that stands that which resulted in me taking a break.

I guess I don't see the point of this blog anymore because I'm basically typing to myself. Besides, I can't even name specific names on this in case someone does read it.

Well, right now, I'm actually feeling a bit down again. I don't know, sometimes I don't know who my friends are. That person who I thought was a friend has me questioning at times because of his or her motives. What is up with people these days?

I'm also feeling a bit pissed off because of various reasons which once again are too complicated to even attempt to explain; what's the point?

I really like the title of this blog because from when I first started, I kept taking bruises, and I kept getting hurt. Now that I'm done, I've pretty much gotten up even though things still aren't perfect.

Finally, I can't seem to wirte anymore. Everytime I try to write a poem it comes out for a couple of lines and I just can't seem to carry on. I don't know what's wrong; perhaps I'm trying to be too perfect. But I just have all these thing I want to say in my writing, argh.

This is very fustrating.

Today's lyrics will be from Beautiful by Eminem; it's quite long.

I'm just so fucking depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump, but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up, in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent but I just can't admit or come to grips
With the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shit so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact: I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you'd have to walk a thousand miles...

In my shoes, just to see, what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we'd find, look at shit through each other's eyes

P.S. I might update once in a while to post meaningful lyrics but I won't really be back to "blog"

Haitus starting now.

Is anyone out there willing to listen?

Ack, I've been feeling pretty down recently. Not a whole lot but just a little.

And with this I wish, I want to tell people about it but at the same time I feel like I can't because I know it won't solve anything. But everyday when something relates to it, I'm really bothered.

I feel at times, I always have my chances but I never take advantage of them, leading to results like these. Sometimes my hardest effort isn't exactly what others would consider "hard"

So honestly, is there anyone left out there willing to listen?

Also, I've also recently began dwelling on the past, but something different this time.

I really wish I had a second chance with this and wow, the things I did before were idiotic.

Aghh, wow honestly I can't even imagine myself doing it now. Damnit. Fuck.

I feel like I could have gotten it to work now, honestly, or else improved my chances. And If only they knew the things I did because of them.

Love is so hard to come by.

I don't expect it for the entire Junior year to be honest. I just can't imagine it.

And to me, when I like someone, depending on the person I like or dislike myself for liking them. Because what IF they're your friend and you don't want to lose them. You know that they probably don't like you back, but yet you like them. At the same time you want to let go of them but you can't because that would ruin the friendship.

But then there are the times where you've met someone new you're intrested in. Those are the moments where love seems much more appealing.

What good is a heart if there aint no love in it?

There's a certain person... that's dear to my heart but at the same time I want to cut my connection from them sometimes; for various reasons. I don't know what to do.

I wonder what I truly am to them...

Lyrics for today are from I Hate Love by Claude Kelly

Cause I hate good byes.

I hate these tears in my eyes

I hate myself for the way I feel about you everytime

I've had enough

I'm sick of wishing you was around me every day, every night, it's way too much

I hate love.

I hate love.

Frustrated

Your voice is the soundtrack of my summer

Do you know you're unlike any other

You'll always be my thunder

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors

I won't ever want another

You'll always be my thunder, so bring, on the rain. Bring on the thunder.

I'm really frustrated about something.

There's a certain person that I feel sometimes I get along with so well, but at other times that person seems annoyed and mad at me. When that happens, I don't know what to do; I just get all frustrated at myself and start to think. Like honestly, at time it's like I'm there for their enjoyment when they're bored. I don't know what to think or do.

But then again, maybe it's really nothing and in reality it's nothing big.

Some people tell me I'm an awkward person, but I don't know how I am. And when I'm told that I just get so mad an frustrated because being an "awkward person" isn't good; nobody likes to be awkward... I don't even think my actions make me awkward anymore.

Argh, don't you hate it when you want to get to know someone but you can't? At the same time you're also nervous. Hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Infatuations (i think this is one) sucks.

Last thing, I recently hard a lot of things about a certain someone (not the same person mentioned above) and I actually believe it. Sigh, if only I heard about it a couple months back.

I was naive.

And to that person's next victim, watch out. He/She is not who you might think they are.

If you don't believe, then I hope it gives you hell.

But other than those things, I'm really happy now :D, I feel great. Summer hasn't been the torture I predicted. Rather, I'm enjoying it. I've gotten closer to some people, made some progress, got a guitar, and I'll be prepared for the SATs.

Today's lyrics actually took some debating. I was considering between They Don't Really Care About Us, The Show, Beautiful, and Doushite Kimi Wo Suki Ni Natte Shimattan Darou.

But I'll go with The Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze, and love is a riddle

I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, I've tried

and I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop, or else my heart is going to pop

Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot.

To be something that I'm now

I'm a fool, out of love. Cause I just can't get enough

Who the hell cares right? (:

Because I sure don't anymore!

Ahaha, I completely give up about caring about it anymore. It's a waste of time and I realized everything before; I took too seriously. I live fine with or without.

Hm, I hope though, that not too many things are being given away by that person to another person... But I think it's inevitable, blah. So stupid...

And I really want to say these lyrics to this one person, it's from Gives You Hell by the All-American Rejects :

and truth be told i'll miss you, and truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell.

When you walk my way hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well, then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell.

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me.

You can take back your memories they're no good to me.

And here's all your lies, you can look me into the eyes.

With the sad sad look that you wear so well...

Holy crap, I seriously hope it gives you hell...

I really really want to learn the guitar and be good at it. I've had one lesson at my friend Brian's house and I really liked it. I think the first song I'll try to master is Hey There Delilah or Your Call.

I've got Wake Me Up When September Ends somewhat down :D. Now all I need is to buy one and practice every single day for at least an hour. I am dedicated, perhaps more than anything I thought I would be.

Another thing I would love to learn is Korean because it sounds amazing in the Korean love songs/ballads. Ahhhhh....

Today's lyrics are from a Korean song called Hug by DBSK

Haruman nibangui chimdaega dwegoshipo
Do dasuhi pogunhi nae pume gamssa ango jaeugo shipo
Aju jagun dwichogimdo noui joguman sogsagime
Nan ggumsogui gwemurdo I gyonae borir thende

Naega obnun noui haru oddohge hulloganun gonji
Narur ormana saranghanunji nan nomuna gunggumhande
Noui jagun sorab sogui irgijangi dwego shipo
Ar su obnun noui gubimirdo
Nae mamsoge damadullae no mollae

I want to be the bed in your room just for a day

I want to make you go to sleep comfortably

Warmly in my arms

For you I'd win over all your problems and all your busy errands

I would even win agaisnt the monsters in your dreams

I wonder a day without me

How do you pass them by?

How much you really love me? I'm so curious of it

Your diary in your small drawer, I want to become it

I want to put all your secrets in my heart, no knowing.

Wo de xin xiang chang shou ge gei ni ting, ge ci shi ru ci de tian mi

For anyone who doesn't know what that means in chinese, it's "My heart wants to sing a song for you. The song's lyrics are so sweet"

So I think my life is actually going pretty good right now, sophomore is all the past and I finally found the one thing that helped with my dealings of the past - time and patience (surprisingly).

I still feel a tiny bit of regret for some things, but overall, I don't feel it anymore. Maybe everything was just a burden that I couldn't carry anymore, which helped get over the past.

I really really, really, have to stop sleeping so late. Everyday it's like this and I think I know the reason why I'm used to this x.x... And not to mention I have summer prep school, which means waking up at 8:30 or so.

Hmm, So, I decided to give "them" a second chance and surprisngly I actually like it now. The things with them arn't half bad, or perhaps I just changed as a person talking-wise and things. Who knows, and who cares, as long as things are getting better right?

I also realized that a lot of my blogs are about things that are specified. Like who's "them" or "him" or at times "her", but that's just because I don't want to name names. Who knows, maybe people actually do read this.

And lastly... who's the anonymous person who keeps commenting on my blogs? Reveal your identitiy!

Today's lyrics are from a KOREAN song for a change.

It's called Password 486 by Younha, it's really good so I recommended listening to it.

hahn shee gahn mah dah boh goh sheep dah goh
gahm jung uhp shee mahl hah jee mahl ah
hohn hah geh nuhl leen yuhn ae jeel sheek eun
tong hah jee ah nah

baek buh neul nuhm geh sarang hahn dah goh
gahm dong uhp shee mahl hah jee mahl ah
jahl jahp hyuh gah duhn boon wee gee mah juh
kkae buh ree jah nah

Translation:

Don't tell me that you miss me every hour
I don't understand scripted dating lines
Don't tell me over a hundred times you love me
You're ruining our relationship
Girls aren't as naive as you think
Making us happy is slightly different.

So this is how girls think huh? :P

Waiting for your call, i'm sick, call, i'm angry, call, i'm desperate for your voice.

So I just went on google and searched up how to stop dwelling on the past - didn't help at all.

I hate, absolutely hate, dwelling on my past. I know it's not a good thing and that it won't solve shit but I just keep thinking about it. And the more I think, the more I realize, the more I see, I get more angry at myself. To the point where I just really want to punch myself, anything.

Anger is not a good thing, at least not most of the times, and recently the chance of me getting angry/annoyed is up by like 600%. Rawr.

Usually by myself though...or thoughts to myself. I keep it all in my mind; so don't worry if you're a friend and you're reading this :].

So I was thinking about downgrading my texting to 1000, considering I only use at most 30 texts a day now. Hm, that'd save a few bucks. Maybe I'll go back to a regular phone and give my current phone away, I'm almost about to do it. My phone is pointless now.

I really, really, really, hope I didn't screw things up with the one person I have (had?) left.

I'm just really bored right now and I don't want to go to bed but i should. 2:00AM, not the first time this has happened right?

Hmm, I was wondering if I had ten minutes to say whatever I want to one person, I'd know who and what it would be. It'd be something along the lines of me getting on my knees, begging for forgiveness, and me finally realizng that I did all this time. And also I believe the only one who I really really owe an apology to for things I never realized until now (and the fact that the person actually tells me what I'm doing wrong). And now till this day I hope that person doesn't think I used them because I wasn't trying to, I was just blinded by my own goals and feelings. I cared oh so much about you... and I still do.

Yes, the last thing for today... I realized that it's gone, deleted, off the wall. I know I didn't do it, I'm sure I didn't, so it must have been the other person. Meh. I can't say I'm too surprised, apparently I'm not important enough to just leave one peice of memory up; to relish whatever past I have left. Then I decided to put myself through more misery and see what was drawn up.

I saw it, I was not dumbstrucked, and I just sighed. Looked at my ceiling, phone in hand (about to get smashed but I didn't), and almost screamed. Too bad my parents were home.

Today's lyrics are from It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade.

My tears run down like razorblades, and no I'm not the one to blame, it's you or is it me.

And all the words we never say, come out

And now we're all ashamed

And there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over? We had the chance to make to make it

Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over

I wish that I could take it back.

But it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights

I lose my sense of wrong and right, I cry, I cry

Shaking from the pain that's in my head

And just want to crawl into my bed

And throw away the life I've led.

I'm a little scared.

love this song called Today More Than Yesterday by Kim Jong Gook (:

Yes, another korean song but it's such amazing. It really makes sense, when one starts to fall in love it seems as if each day the feeling continues to build and build; today more than yesterday.

Oh and everyone should listen to Liang Shan Bo Yu Zhu Lie Ye.

I dislike hypocrites, they piss the hell out of me. If someone were to tell me they dislike a person and that they rather not be involved with them then they decide to talk and hang out with them like everything is fine again, it just pisses me off. But I guess I can't say anything bad about that since I'd probably do the same thing just because I would want to pretend that everything is really back to normal.

Today was my last Regents (finally), and while going home after playing some basketball I realized soemthing. It's always the same place where everything significant in my life begins and ends. Everything major that happened turned into a turning point for me, how odd. And now that sophomore year is over I find it wierd how I was just standing there, waiting to go home again. It's the same place where I really began High School life, the same place that started the happiness, the same place that everything began to change, and finally the place where everything ends.

Yeah, you tell me you're going to be there for me, forever. Yet at the same time you don't care at all. You rather hang out with other people than me, it's pretty obvious. You rather live your life happy with them than supporting me. It's fine, go ahead and leave me. You're not the first person to do that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out.

I decided to change the title of this post as well as add some things.

I've been a little scared recently, enough to make me feel a bit cold and also teary. I'm afraid to get annoyed at someone because it always seems to happen that I'm misunderstood. I feel as if I can't even get annoyed or angry at someone anymore. Isn't it normal for someone to feel this way at times? Maybe I blew it again. I think I did, and once again for reasons that seemingly was harmless.

I'm also afraid of my feelings, I'm scared of this one thing I'm feeling right now. If this continues and it grows stronger, this will not be a good thing. I hope this subdues.

Finally, I'm scared of making mistakes, even though I know how mistkaes happen I still make them... unknowingly.

Fuck.

Todays lyrics :

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.

I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.

I loved with you a fire red, now it's turning blue

And you say sorry like the angel, heaven let me think was you.

But I'm afraid.

A little too not over it.

Sophomore year has offically come to an end; through all the ups and downs I felt this has been the most eventful school year yet. I went through perhaps one of the more happier moments of my life, been in friendships that I almost never had before, and most importantly made myself a more educated and knowledgeable person. So for today, I'll wrap up my entire year with events during each month.

September: The start of the school year I decided to change, for a better cause. I felt like I really needed to lose weight because I just couldn't stand myself fat. This was also the month that I realized some things, that I finally did like another person. So I set myself to accomplish the goals of telling her and also losing weight.

October: I met plenty of people including my friend Jenny who sits next to me in chemistry (or should I say used to). From her, I met Tiffany and from here on life began to be a little bit different. I started drifting away from certain people. Also, I started preparing myself to make a move.

November: I don't remember correctly but I believe it was this month when I finally let it out.

Do I regret it? A bit, but it had to be said eventually. This was the start of my slight "sadness" that streched for a good month and a half. Also, I began playing basketball at a much increased rate, including night times for a good two to three hours. Jogging at my basketball court, after school, and also watching what I eat helped a ton.

December: My goal to lose weight was practically complete as I lost around twenty by now. My state of mind continued to be in an unrest but I found a new friend. With him, I talked and understood situations much better. He was truly a blessing in my life as he helped calmed my emotional state. I also went to China, allowing myself to visit my Grandparents. However, I was never in the best mood during the time so I ended up not exactly enjoying the trip all that much.

January: Things started getting better as I was slowly moving on. However, I was dealt a blow in my life when an incident happened. I learned that some people simply can't be trusted. Towards the end of this month I met one person I will never forget; no names mentioned. I never thoguht we'd ever talk or be as close as we once were but I guess anything is possible. This was the start of the most blissful period of my life.

Feburary: Ah yes this was probably one of the best months ever. I met new people, I felt as I could finally come out of the shell I've been hiding in for a good two months. I opened up, I let myself into the wild and things paid off. I had amazing times with friends that I'll never forget. The things I would do to just have those memories back and to relive them? A fortune.

March: The. Most. Revolutionary. Month. Ever. I continued to make strides in life as things were going aboslutely fantastic, I couldn't have been happier, except for one other moment in my life. I was told many things, most of which I was surprised. This was also the month I made a decision that I think I'll be regreting for a very, very long time.

April: And here came the three weeks of bliss. I don't think I could have EVER been happier, everything was just going... amazing. However, with the many great things that did happen, I was blinded. I left one of the person I cared most about out in the dark because of my own happiness. I took advantage, got angry, and also was way too negative. I have no one else to blame but myself. Although these memories bring me to tears, even now, I don't think I can ever forget some of the better memories.

May: Hell. Welcome to hell screamed May. At the start, things were fine, until a week in when everything began crashing down. Till this day I don't know the complete truth of these happenings. I once again, made mistakes, that I doubt I will ever be forgiven for. As a matter of fact, I don't even know some of these mistakes that I have made. Perhaps they were misunderstood, I will never know.

June: Is there anything worse than hell? If there is, then June was it. Out of the blue, family problems began to arise along with the other situations I already had on my mind. Tears were frequent, depressing songs kept playing, and most importantly my life changed. And now I have finally realized nothing will ever be the same; no matter how hard I've tried.

So now I sit here alone. I lost two friends. I wish I could tell them the many unspoken words left in my heart. I want a second chance, oh so badly, but it doesn't seem like I'll be getting it. Tears infatuate my eyes as i continue to type. I can only hope for a better summer and a peaceful junior year. I said I wouldn't apologize and I know it means nothing, no matter how much I would tell you I'm earnest in these words.

I'm Sorry.

Todays lyrics of the day are from the song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it.

And it's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone.

Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret but I know if I could do it over

I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.

Do You Know What It Feels Like?

I created this blog as a leisure activity, to share events and activities in my life.

But I don't think that has exactly happened seeing that I only vent out things that are fustrating me. Then again, it's not like anyone actually reads these blogs right?

I'm up really really late once again, I just don't want to sleep; this is starting to be a horrible habit.

It's almost 3:00 A.M.

Recently, I don't think I've been sad or depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little better I would think. However, I'm just so pissed at myself for doing things, thinking things, and also saying things that I felt should have came out differently.

During the three weeks of bliss in April, I kept questioning everything. I was way too negative for no reason. And what now? Things are much worse than they could ever be. I can't believe I actually thought and felt everything would just fall apart.

I wish I was more patient and just didn't assume things. This one specific event I'm referring to I believe will haunt me for quit a while. Now that I look back, just believeing in myself could have ended up with different results. Would I be like this right now? Probably not.

Lastly I can't believe that I was so selfish in a way to you. Telling you things like that and just letting you down as a friend. No words can even explain the things I remember and the feeling that it evokes; so I just won't say anything.

These things get me so angered, what made me foolishly do these things? After the anger passes tears start to drown my eyes because looking back now, I've realized how horrible I've been to you.

I don't know how I can describe this anymore so I'll just end here today.

Lyrics of the day, from still one of my favorite song Gambler by Claude Kelly.

Looking for an answer, wondering whats wrong with me

Why do I run away from the best thing in my life

and also:

I wonder if it's true what my heart keeps telling me

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy

Happy One Month (or not)

Can I believe it? It has been a whole month since these problems have arised. One whole month of feeling like this. A whole month since I've started blogging. A whole month of nonstop thinking. A whole month of sleeping at the earliest, at 12:45 AM. I'm really killing my body.

How have I survived? I've finally found something that hurts more than love; friends.

I now know my greatest weakness; I care too much. For the things I love, the things I cherish, I care too much. Sometimes things are better left...uncared for. But I'm just not the type of person to idle around and hope things work out. I like to take action and try. 

One of the things I dislike the most are blunt messages. They irritate the hell out of me because it shows that the other person just doesn't want to talk. At times I try to talk to someone because I'm trying to make things better. But what I dislike is how at times the other person keeps continung to be blunt; yet they don't attempt to resolve anything. I'm supposed to solve everything somehow, without a clue.

Awkwardness. The most dreaded word possible when it's used to describe a relationship with someone. It's quite simple on how to solve awkwardness. It's simple to find the cause for this awakwardness. It's very simple to stop it. And here's the reason:

It's only awkward if either you or the other person makes it awkward. If neither of you think about it, then it simply won't be awkward.

I hate having regrets. I told myself when I made that decision, I would never have any regrets. Now that I look back, unfortunately, I regret it. And I'm sorry because I compared you to something that was not there. Even after making the choice to let go, I still regret what I did after. Before I felt as if I put every ounce of effort into making something work. Once again, now that I look back, I could have done so much more. Which do I regret? Probably not the latter one because the first one could have been so much more.

Well, this is quite a long blog! It's 1:03 and I should probably be going to sleep. And for this blog's lyrics of the day, from Scars by Papa Roach: Ah these lyrics really opened up to me.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Father, father, father, help us.

Send some guidance from above.

Cause people got me, got me questioning.

Where is the hope?

She told me that it's all part of the choice you make.

Oh yes she did. 

Your life, your friends, your happiness, your sadness. All part of the choices that YOU make, no one else. However, learning is just part of this. With each bad experience, they make one stronger.

There is no such thing as a complete person, no one is perfect. I am far from perfect; however i feel as if I'm practically ready. I've gone through too much sophomore year to not realize things about this world. From previous pains, to previous bliss, each moment had a reason, and happened because of a choice I made. Are there times where I wish i made different choices? Of course, but regrets can only make one stronger; to make one know to act differently next time around.

It seems as if each day brings back different past memories. From secrets kept, advice given, moments together; all of it seemed as if it happened yesterday. On Friday, I was at the Home Depot near the Recreational center. I looked across the street, only to see the rainy desereted meadow across my street. I stared, for a good minute, in the rain, practically tears in my eyes.

I couldn't keep this feeling to just roar and yell anymore. So, I yelled, a loud roar.

How weird, I've really been into rock songs recently.  They just somehow explain me, and the loud noise sort of calms my chaotic state of mind. Not that I hate R&B and my previous songs now of course. But I guess my feelings are just in the mood for rock songs.

My favorite lyrics? From the song Last Train Home by Lost Prophets. Also, these lyrics have great meaning in them as well. I love these lyrics.

She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making 
Even when you think you're right 

Also, these lyrics have great meaning in them as well.

Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away

4 AM forever

I love these lyrics.

Move along, move along, just to make it through.

How do I begin?
I don't think I've been more confused in my life. In situations like these do I just walk away or continue to fight for what I've been striving for? I want to fight, I want to make things right, but everything always seems so hopeless. I don't know what to do.

This feeling near in my chest? Unbearable. I felt this feeling before, but never was it this bad. I try so hard to act a little happier and joyful around my friends but it just doesn't carry on. 

Am I really a man? At least I feel like I'm not, for some reason I take things hard. Unlike all my other friends who just seems to take it and move on. I don't know why I cant do that.

I cried four times the past day or so.

I'm weak. I feel a bit suicidal at times. Would I care if I were shot and killed? If I somehow someone was diagnosed with a disease that was bound to kill in a week or less? No.

My life feels pointless.

Whats there to do besides to just have to move along. Even when my hope is gone, i just have to move along, just like what this song by The All-American Rejects says.

Kill me.

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

First, I remember the times before Late January, early Febuary.

It was... torture with them and what I was? Horrible.

Second, I finally realized what I am. I meet my own demise with my own actions.

Third, I'm too stubborn. I need to accept change, for the good, not the bad. No matter how badly I might want the past back, I won't get it.

So why not just live life happier? And look at what I do have, and build upon that.

Fourth, I think I'm taking everything too seriously, perhaps everything is... not as serious as I thought it is. And that other people take this calmly, not like a wild raging beast, like myself.

I think I believe in Karma. I remember when I was in an incredibly low peak after that incident followed up by that other one. But things did get better after that, so I can hope the same will happen now. Is it garunteed? Probably not, but I'll take the chances.

June is a brand new month.

Lets hope I don't screw it up.

Better.

Read the title of this blog and yes read it over and over.

Finally, things have gotten much better. Finally I feel as if my life has been brightened. 

Finally.

One thing I find quite ironic is that the name of my blog is "life of an average teenager"

I always thought I was quite average, nothing more, nothing less. But I do find it weird how I'm treated differently to many people. Things that people do to me wont be done to someone else.

So I guess perhaps I'm not that average afterall huh?

How I would love to keep you here oh baby.

Oh yes, the things I would do just to keep you here.

I got sick around two days ago after I came back from playing basketball, so now I'm sick in every aspect.

Emotionally, physically, and also mentally. How much worse can my life get? 

Its been a whole two weeks since the incident and over a month since I finally got an answer.

This is hell at its best, not any of Dante's stupid circles of Inferno. No, this is much worse.

I admit, I really do lack patience. I have flaws but what can I do about that? Maybe if I had a bit more patience in the many things that have happened, I wouldn't be like this.

Too late for that now.

Nothing will repair and I guess i'll have to syndicate myself back. 

I'm almost ready to migrate myself to the seventh circle of Dante's circles of Hell, round two.

It's a mad world.

So just yesterday i was watching American Idol out of boredom, and I heard this song called "Mad World" sang by Adam Lambert.

I searched up the song on youtube, looked up the lyrics, and thought it was absolutely brilliant.

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams that in which im dying are the best I've ever had"

Those words spoke to me like no other, it describes exactly what I'm going through right now.

All of those things I remember were probably one of the happiest moments I ever had. And now thats its all gone, its quite ironic how some of my most treasured memories are killing me like this.

The first lines of the song states "All around me are familiar faces" which is amazingly true for me too.

Everyone around me so familiar yet its as if I don't even know them anymore. I'm isolated from them.

How Can I Be Vindicated?

2:30 AM.

So here I am, once again still up at 2:30. Except whats different about this night? I'm not talking to the one person I would almost always be talking to at around this time.

What happened? One simple misunderstanding from a joke to a serious insult.

Redemption, that is what I need right now; more importantly a vindication. I can't believe its been one whole week, how have I lived through this?

I miss it so much.

Yes I miss you, the one person who would always listen, who was there for me, who always signed off saying "feel better" when i felt like shit. I felt like I've been a bad friend at times, and I still hope you're willing to give me another chance. You're definatly one of the people I always come back to.

Unexpected but I miss you also. Always so happy and cheerful, I don't think I've ever really seen you sad or annoyed. You're always in a good mood with the LOL and LMAOs. I miss the laughter and the carefree you.

Now you, what is there to say ? I've dealt with quite a lot of friend problems but this is unique. I miss the talking, the calls, and most importantly the great times we had. Even though you feel like you can't forgive me, I still hope you will because I care. 

However, I can't believe I've sacrificed so much...How many things have I done for you?

And you're still unable to forgive me on such an excusable argument? I can't believe it.

Perhaps I'll let the senses come to you, I'll wait it out. 

Unfortunately I've done all I can to make reparations; yet nothing is back to normal. It's about time I see some results for something I actually care and sacrifice for. I'm tired of sacrificing and coming up empty, no results.

Friends ?

So what exactly are friends and what do you do when you realize youre falling apart with one?

Recently, I've dealt with a very hard problem. I don't think he or she realizes that she isn't hurting only one person, but two.

In the end, I don't think I've done anything wrong, all of this was out of the blue. Do I think I might have a reason? I have a few ideas, but none of them are really things people should get mad for or shut off all communcation on. 

So, I've been thinking and thinking, what should I do? 

I don't really want to break the ice considering the fact I didn't do anything wrong. But then again, he or she is quite stubborn so I doubt they would make the first move.

I guess the only choice I have left is try to talk it out, or just let this friendship come to an end.

What do I do?

So what now?

What do i now? I'm lacking in Guidance. What is there to do when you've lost three, perhaps even four friends?

Either they're mad at you for something you've done, or they just find you plain irritating out of nowhere. Everytime I try to do what I think is right, it ends up turning out horribly wrong. I just can't take this anymore, I'm SICK of my life.

I can already feel it, EVERYTIME is slowly tearing apart. I guess what she said was true, next year, I'll probably be wondering what I did sophomore year. Who were you?

I don't want it to be like that. But what can I do? I'm done apologizing for things I'm not responsible for, or at least things where I've felt I haven't done any wrong. Someone, anyone help me. I don't think I can take this much longer.

It hurts everytime I see them two. 

"Life is like a roller coaster ride. Once you've reached the highest, most exhilarating point everything comes crashing down"

I guess this is the life of an average teenager huh?

Welcome to my Life

The start of today has already been complete bullshit.

Its amazing how some people make the most retarded excuses ever such as "Hey I can't go and meet up with you guys because the weather is bad", while outside its completely sunny and in the 70s. If you don't want to go, just tell them, its not hard at all. And even if that was the weather before, the weather now is completely fine so JUST GO.

I don't care if the person doesn't want to go, thats up to them, but at least give a valid reason. Besides, saying you're going to a party then just saying nevermind is one of the most messed up things to do, so why do it?

I'm really tired of being the one apologizng all the times, because sometimes, I'm not even doing anything and guess what, I end up apologizing. And I only do it becuase I hate losing friends.

Aditionally, no one is ever going to take my side, so why bother arguing?

Sometimes I wish people cut me some slack and understood me.

To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark.

To be kicked, when you're down, to feel like you've been pushed around.

To be on the edge of breaking down and no ones there to save you.

No you don't know what its like, Welcome to My Life.

So the blogging begins

Here I am, my first Blog! I'm quite excited to get started on this actually, I've been wanting to start one for a while now.

So just a little about me, my name is Kevin Hong, obviously I'm a male. I attend Bayside High School located in NYC, Queens. I am currently fifteen years old(as I am writing this that is)

My favorite color would definatly be Blue, everyone who sees me should know THAT.

On to todays events!

Today was quite hectic, seeing as tomorrow I have a birthday party to attend to and convincing SOME people to go was insane. Overall, I think I'm looking foward to tomorrow though!

After school, I had to go to Barnes and Nobles to get a copy of Dante's Inferno, which I am currently reading in my English class (which I dislike). It seems very boring throughout the first couple of pages I have read so far.

Sometimes I really wonder what I'm supposed to do; are the decisions I'm making correct? Should I be doing something else? And honestly, I think too much for my own good, causing me to bring myself down sometimes, I really need to stop.

But I'll try to control it.