Waiting for your call, i'm sick, call, i'm angry, call, i'm desperate for your voice.

So I just went on google and searched up how to stop dwelling on the past - didn't help at all.

I hate, absolutely hate, dwelling on my past. I know it's not a good thing and that it won't solve shit but I just keep thinking about it. And the more I think, the more I realize, the more I see, I get more angry at myself. To the point where I just really want to punch myself, anything.

Anger is not a good thing, at least not most of the times, and recently the chance of me getting angry/annoyed is up by like 600%. Rawr.

Usually by myself though...or thoughts to myself. I keep it all in my mind; so don't worry if you're a friend and you're reading this :].

So I was thinking about downgrading my texting to 1000, considering I only use at most 30 texts a day now. Hm, that'd save a few bucks. Maybe I'll go back to a regular phone and give my current phone away, I'm almost about to do it. My phone is pointless now.

I really, really, really, hope I didn't screw things up with the one person I have (had?) left.

I'm just really bored right now and I don't want to go to bed but i should. 2:00AM, not the first time this has happened right?

Hmm, I was wondering if I had ten minutes to say whatever I want to one person, I'd know who and what it would be. It'd be something along the lines of me getting on my knees, begging for forgiveness, and me finally realizng that I did all this time. And also I believe the only one who I really really owe an apology to for things I never realized until now (and the fact that the person actually tells me what I'm doing wrong). And now till this day I hope that person doesn't think I used them because I wasn't trying to, I was just blinded by my own goals and feelings. I cared oh so much about you... and I still do.

Yes, the last thing for today... I realized that it's gone, deleted, off the wall. I know I didn't do it, I'm sure I didn't, so it must have been the other person. Meh. I can't say I'm too surprised, apparently I'm not important enough to just leave one peice of memory up; to relish whatever past I have left. Then I decided to put myself through more misery and see what was drawn up.

I saw it, I was not dumbstrucked, and I just sighed. Looked at my ceiling, phone in hand (about to get smashed but I didn't), and almost screamed. Too bad my parents were home.

Today's lyrics are from It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade.

My tears run down like razorblades, and no I'm not the one to blame, it's you or is it me.

And all the words we never say, come out

And now we're all ashamed

And there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over? We had the chance to make to make it

Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over

I wish that I could take it back.

But it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights

I lose my sense of wrong and right, I cry, I cry

Shaking from the pain that's in my head

And just want to crawl into my bed

And throw away the life I've led.