Wo de xin xiang chang shou ge gei ni ting, ge ci shi ru ci de tian mi

For anyone who doesn't know what that means in chinese, it's "My heart wants to sing a song for you. The song's lyrics are so sweet"

So I think my life is actually going pretty good right now, sophomore is all the past and I finally found the one thing that helped with my dealings of the past - time and patience (surprisingly).

I still feel a tiny bit of regret for some things, but overall, I don't feel it anymore. Maybe everything was just a burden that I couldn't carry anymore, which helped get over the past.

I really really, really, have to stop sleeping so late. Everyday it's like this and I think I know the reason why I'm used to this x.x... And not to mention I have summer prep school, which means waking up at 8:30 or so.

Hmm, So, I decided to give "them" a second chance and surprisngly I actually like it now. The things with them arn't half bad, or perhaps I just changed as a person talking-wise and things. Who knows, and who cares, as long as things are getting better right?

I also realized that a lot of my blogs are about things that are specified. Like who's "them" or "him" or at times "her", but that's just because I don't want to name names. Who knows, maybe people actually do read this.

And lastly... who's the anonymous person who keeps commenting on my blogs? Reveal your identitiy!

Today's lyrics are from a KOREAN song for a change.

It's called Password 486 by Younha, it's really good so I recommended listening to it.

hahn shee gahn mah dah boh goh sheep dah goh
gahm jung uhp shee mahl hah jee mahl ah
hohn hah geh nuhl leen yuhn ae jeel sheek eun
tong hah jee ah nah

baek buh neul nuhm geh sarang hahn dah goh
gahm dong uhp shee mahl hah jee mahl ah
jahl jahp hyuh gah duhn boon wee gee mah juh
kkae buh ree jah nah

Translation:

Don't tell me that you miss me every hour
I don't understand scripted dating lines
Don't tell me over a hundred times you love me
You're ruining our relationship
Girls aren't as naive as you think
Making us happy is slightly different.

So this is how girls think huh? :P

Waiting for your call, i'm sick, call, i'm angry, call, i'm desperate for your voice.

So I just went on google and searched up how to stop dwelling on the past - didn't help at all.

I hate, absolutely hate, dwelling on my past. I know it's not a good thing and that it won't solve shit but I just keep thinking about it. And the more I think, the more I realize, the more I see, I get more angry at myself. To the point where I just really want to punch myself, anything.

Anger is not a good thing, at least not most of the times, and recently the chance of me getting angry/annoyed is up by like 600%. Rawr.

Usually by myself though...or thoughts to myself. I keep it all in my mind; so don't worry if you're a friend and you're reading this :].

So I was thinking about downgrading my texting to 1000, considering I only use at most 30 texts a day now. Hm, that'd save a few bucks. Maybe I'll go back to a regular phone and give my current phone away, I'm almost about to do it. My phone is pointless now.

I really, really, really, hope I didn't screw things up with the one person I have (had?) left.

I'm just really bored right now and I don't want to go to bed but i should. 2:00AM, not the first time this has happened right?

Hmm, I was wondering if I had ten minutes to say whatever I want to one person, I'd know who and what it would be. It'd be something along the lines of me getting on my knees, begging for forgiveness, and me finally realizng that I did all this time. And also I believe the only one who I really really owe an apology to for things I never realized until now (and the fact that the person actually tells me what I'm doing wrong). And now till this day I hope that person doesn't think I used them because I wasn't trying to, I was just blinded by my own goals and feelings. I cared oh so much about you... and I still do.

Yes, the last thing for today... I realized that it's gone, deleted, off the wall. I know I didn't do it, I'm sure I didn't, so it must have been the other person. Meh. I can't say I'm too surprised, apparently I'm not important enough to just leave one peice of memory up; to relish whatever past I have left. Then I decided to put myself through more misery and see what was drawn up.

I saw it, I was not dumbstrucked, and I just sighed. Looked at my ceiling, phone in hand (about to get smashed but I didn't), and almost screamed. Too bad my parents were home.

Today's lyrics are from It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade.

My tears run down like razorblades, and no I'm not the one to blame, it's you or is it me.

And all the words we never say, come out

And now we're all ashamed

And there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over? We had the chance to make to make it

Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over

I wish that I could take it back.

But it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights

I lose my sense of wrong and right, I cry, I cry

Shaking from the pain that's in my head

And just want to crawl into my bed

And throw away the life I've led.

I'm a little scared.

love this song called Today More Than Yesterday by Kim Jong Gook (:

Yes, another korean song but it's such amazing. It really makes sense, when one starts to fall in love it seems as if each day the feeling continues to build and build; today more than yesterday.

Oh and everyone should listen to Liang Shan Bo Yu Zhu Lie Ye.

I dislike hypocrites, they piss the hell out of me. If someone were to tell me they dislike a person and that they rather not be involved with them then they decide to talk and hang out with them like everything is fine again, it just pisses me off. But I guess I can't say anything bad about that since I'd probably do the same thing just because I would want to pretend that everything is really back to normal.

Today was my last Regents (finally), and while going home after playing some basketball I realized soemthing. It's always the same place where everything significant in my life begins and ends. Everything major that happened turned into a turning point for me, how odd. And now that sophomore year is over I find it wierd how I was just standing there, waiting to go home again. It's the same place where I really began High School life, the same place that started the happiness, the same place that everything began to change, and finally the place where everything ends.

Yeah, you tell me you're going to be there for me, forever. Yet at the same time you don't care at all. You rather hang out with other people than me, it's pretty obvious. You rather live your life happy with them than supporting me. It's fine, go ahead and leave me. You're not the first person to do that.

Sorry, I just had to get that out.

I decided to change the title of this post as well as add some things.

I've been a little scared recently, enough to make me feel a bit cold and also teary. I'm afraid to get annoyed at someone because it always seems to happen that I'm misunderstood. I feel as if I can't even get annoyed or angry at someone anymore. Isn't it normal for someone to feel this way at times? Maybe I blew it again. I think I did, and once again for reasons that seemingly was harmless.

I'm also afraid of my feelings, I'm scared of this one thing I'm feeling right now. If this continues and it grows stronger, this will not be a good thing. I hope this subdues.

Finally, I'm scared of making mistakes, even though I know how mistkaes happen I still make them... unknowingly.

Fuck.

Todays lyrics :

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you.

I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new.

I loved with you a fire red, now it's turning blue

And you say sorry like the angel, heaven let me think was you.

But I'm afraid.

A little too not over it.

Sophomore year has offically come to an end; through all the ups and downs I felt this has been the most eventful school year yet. I went through perhaps one of the more happier moments of my life, been in friendships that I almost never had before, and most importantly made myself a more educated and knowledgeable person. So for today, I'll wrap up my entire year with events during each month.

September: The start of the school year I decided to change, for a better cause. I felt like I really needed to lose weight because I just couldn't stand myself fat. This was also the month that I realized some things, that I finally did like another person. So I set myself to accomplish the goals of telling her and also losing weight.

October: I met plenty of people including my friend Jenny who sits next to me in chemistry (or should I say used to). From her, I met Tiffany and from here on life began to be a little bit different. I started drifting away from certain people. Also, I started preparing myself to make a move.

November: I don't remember correctly but I believe it was this month when I finally let it out.

Do I regret it? A bit, but it had to be said eventually. This was the start of my slight "sadness" that streched for a good month and a half. Also, I began playing basketball at a much increased rate, including night times for a good two to three hours. Jogging at my basketball court, after school, and also watching what I eat helped a ton.

December: My goal to lose weight was practically complete as I lost around twenty by now. My state of mind continued to be in an unrest but I found a new friend. With him, I talked and understood situations much better. He was truly a blessing in my life as he helped calmed my emotional state. I also went to China, allowing myself to visit my Grandparents. However, I was never in the best mood during the time so I ended up not exactly enjoying the trip all that much.

January: Things started getting better as I was slowly moving on. However, I was dealt a blow in my life when an incident happened. I learned that some people simply can't be trusted. Towards the end of this month I met one person I will never forget; no names mentioned. I never thoguht we'd ever talk or be as close as we once were but I guess anything is possible. This was the start of the most blissful period of my life.

Feburary: Ah yes this was probably one of the best months ever. I met new people, I felt as I could finally come out of the shell I've been hiding in for a good two months. I opened up, I let myself into the wild and things paid off. I had amazing times with friends that I'll never forget. The things I would do to just have those memories back and to relive them? A fortune.

March: The. Most. Revolutionary. Month. Ever. I continued to make strides in life as things were going aboslutely fantastic, I couldn't have been happier, except for one other moment in my life. I was told many things, most of which I was surprised. This was also the month I made a decision that I think I'll be regreting for a very, very long time.

April: And here came the three weeks of bliss. I don't think I could have EVER been happier, everything was just going... amazing. However, with the many great things that did happen, I was blinded. I left one of the person I cared most about out in the dark because of my own happiness. I took advantage, got angry, and also was way too negative. I have no one else to blame but myself. Although these memories bring me to tears, even now, I don't think I can ever forget some of the better memories.

May: Hell. Welcome to hell screamed May. At the start, things were fine, until a week in when everything began crashing down. Till this day I don't know the complete truth of these happenings. I once again, made mistakes, that I doubt I will ever be forgiven for. As a matter of fact, I don't even know some of these mistakes that I have made. Perhaps they were misunderstood, I will never know.

June: Is there anything worse than hell? If there is, then June was it. Out of the blue, family problems began to arise along with the other situations I already had on my mind. Tears were frequent, depressing songs kept playing, and most importantly my life changed. And now I have finally realized nothing will ever be the same; no matter how hard I've tried.

So now I sit here alone. I lost two friends. I wish I could tell them the many unspoken words left in my heart. I want a second chance, oh so badly, but it doesn't seem like I'll be getting it. Tears infatuate my eyes as i continue to type. I can only hope for a better summer and a peaceful junior year. I said I wouldn't apologize and I know it means nothing, no matter how much I would tell you I'm earnest in these words.

I'm Sorry.

Todays lyrics of the day are from the song What Hurts the Most by Rascal Flatts

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go, but I'm doing it.

And it's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone.

Still harder, getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret but I know if I could do it over

I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken.

Do You Know What It Feels Like?

I created this blog as a leisure activity, to share events and activities in my life.

But I don't think that has exactly happened seeing that I only vent out things that are fustrating me. Then again, it's not like anyone actually reads these blogs right?

I'm up really really late once again, I just don't want to sleep; this is starting to be a horrible habit.

It's almost 3:00 A.M.

Recently, I don't think I've been sad or depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm feeling a little better I would think. However, I'm just so pissed at myself for doing things, thinking things, and also saying things that I felt should have came out differently.

During the three weeks of bliss in April, I kept questioning everything. I was way too negative for no reason. And what now? Things are much worse than they could ever be. I can't believe I actually thought and felt everything would just fall apart.

I wish I was more patient and just didn't assume things. This one specific event I'm referring to I believe will haunt me for quit a while. Now that I look back, just believeing in myself could have ended up with different results. Would I be like this right now? Probably not.

Lastly I can't believe that I was so selfish in a way to you. Telling you things like that and just letting you down as a friend. No words can even explain the things I remember and the feeling that it evokes; so I just won't say anything.

These things get me so angered, what made me foolishly do these things? After the anger passes tears start to drown my eyes because looking back now, I've realized how horrible I've been to you.

I don't know how I can describe this anymore so I'll just end here today.

Lyrics of the day, from still one of my favorite song Gambler by Claude Kelly.

Looking for an answer, wondering whats wrong with me

Why do I run away from the best thing in my life

and also:

I wonder if it's true what my heart keeps telling me

Maybe I'm my own worst enemy

Happy One Month (or not)

Can I believe it? It has been a whole month since these problems have arised. One whole month of feeling like this. A whole month since I've started blogging. A whole month of nonstop thinking. A whole month of sleeping at the earliest, at 12:45 AM. I'm really killing my body.

How have I survived? I've finally found something that hurts more than love; friends.

I now know my greatest weakness; I care too much. For the things I love, the things I cherish, I care too much. Sometimes things are better left...uncared for. But I'm just not the type of person to idle around and hope things work out. I like to take action and try. 

One of the things I dislike the most are blunt messages. They irritate the hell out of me because it shows that the other person just doesn't want to talk. At times I try to talk to someone because I'm trying to make things better. But what I dislike is how at times the other person keeps continung to be blunt; yet they don't attempt to resolve anything. I'm supposed to solve everything somehow, without a clue.

Awkwardness. The most dreaded word possible when it's used to describe a relationship with someone. It's quite simple on how to solve awkwardness. It's simple to find the cause for this awakwardness. It's very simple to stop it. And here's the reason:

It's only awkward if either you or the other person makes it awkward. If neither of you think about it, then it simply won't be awkward.

I hate having regrets. I told myself when I made that decision, I would never have any regrets. Now that I look back, unfortunately, I regret it. And I'm sorry because I compared you to something that was not there. Even after making the choice to let go, I still regret what I did after. Before I felt as if I put every ounce of effort into making something work. Once again, now that I look back, I could have done so much more. Which do I regret? Probably not the latter one because the first one could have been so much more.

Well, this is quite a long blog! It's 1:03 and I should probably be going to sleep. And for this blog's lyrics of the day, from Scars by Papa Roach: Ah these lyrics really opened up to me.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Father, father, father, help us.

Send some guidance from above.

Cause people got me, got me questioning.

Where is the hope?

She told me that it's all part of the choice you make.

Oh yes she did. 

Your life, your friends, your happiness, your sadness. All part of the choices that YOU make, no one else. However, learning is just part of this. With each bad experience, they make one stronger.

There is no such thing as a complete person, no one is perfect. I am far from perfect; however i feel as if I'm practically ready. I've gone through too much sophomore year to not realize things about this world. From previous pains, to previous bliss, each moment had a reason, and happened because of a choice I made. Are there times where I wish i made different choices? Of course, but regrets can only make one stronger; to make one know to act differently next time around.

It seems as if each day brings back different past memories. From secrets kept, advice given, moments together; all of it seemed as if it happened yesterday. On Friday, I was at the Home Depot near the Recreational center. I looked across the street, only to see the rainy desereted meadow across my street. I stared, for a good minute, in the rain, practically tears in my eyes.

I couldn't keep this feeling to just roar and yell anymore. So, I yelled, a loud roar.

How weird, I've really been into rock songs recently.  They just somehow explain me, and the loud noise sort of calms my chaotic state of mind. Not that I hate R&B and my previous songs now of course. But I guess my feelings are just in the mood for rock songs.

My favorite lyrics? From the song Last Train Home by Lost Prophets. Also, these lyrics have great meaning in them as well. I love these lyrics.

She told me that it's all a part of the choices that your making 
Even when you think you're right 

Also, these lyrics have great meaning in them as well.

Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away

4 AM forever

I love these lyrics.

Move along, move along, just to make it through.

How do I begin?
I don't think I've been more confused in my life. In situations like these do I just walk away or continue to fight for what I've been striving for? I want to fight, I want to make things right, but everything always seems so hopeless. I don't know what to do.

This feeling near in my chest? Unbearable. I felt this feeling before, but never was it this bad. I try so hard to act a little happier and joyful around my friends but it just doesn't carry on. 

Am I really a man? At least I feel like I'm not, for some reason I take things hard. Unlike all my other friends who just seems to take it and move on. I don't know why I cant do that.

I cried four times the past day or so.

I'm weak. I feel a bit suicidal at times. Would I care if I were shot and killed? If I somehow someone was diagnosed with a disease that was bound to kill in a week or less? No.

My life feels pointless.

Whats there to do besides to just have to move along. Even when my hope is gone, i just have to move along, just like what this song by The All-American Rejects says.

Kill me.

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

First, I remember the times before Late January, early Febuary.

It was... torture with them and what I was? Horrible.

Second, I finally realized what I am. I meet my own demise with my own actions.

Third, I'm too stubborn. I need to accept change, for the good, not the bad. No matter how badly I might want the past back, I won't get it.

So why not just live life happier? And look at what I do have, and build upon that.

Fourth, I think I'm taking everything too seriously, perhaps everything is... not as serious as I thought it is. And that other people take this calmly, not like a wild raging beast, like myself.

I think I believe in Karma. I remember when I was in an incredibly low peak after that incident followed up by that other one. But things did get better after that, so I can hope the same will happen now. Is it garunteed? Probably not, but I'll take the chances.

June is a brand new month.

Lets hope I don't screw it up.