Depression, sadness, desparity, whatever you want to call it.

Sadness isn't a good feeling. Everyone should know that.

I've always wondered what's the true cause of melancholy.

Okay well, I know what causes it; family deaths, relative problems, fights, stress, and probably the most common cause, love. Seriously, I know way too many friends with love problems. And I know some of them would be put into a huge depression if something bad happened. But you know what? I completely understand why they would; although they shouldn't.

Words are almost meaningless when it comes to snapping someone out of depression. I can tell my friends to move on all I want but they'll still be sad. So in situations in these, when encoruagement doesn't work, I think time works the best.

I know what can cause me to be "sad", I know the reasons. However, for some odd reason, no matter how hard I try to stop it, it doesn't go away. It's something that's almost unconquerable. I think to myself, wow, I need to think thinking. I know this is the reason why I'm sad and it's incredibly stupid yet I can't seem to get rid of the feeling. It actually feels worse when you know the cause for the sadness one might be feeling.

It also doesn't help that I tend to think way too much. Sometimes I think I just make things seem a lot worse than it is. I hate myself for that.

Wouldn't it be just awesome if you could somehow stop this emotion?

Today's lyrics are from I Think About You Everyday by A Rocket To The Moon

Oh girl these nights are dull

I wish that I could spend them with you

I'm looking at this wall

Repeating "Girl I love you"

Just take your pick

They're all the same

These things that you're telling me

Can't really show me how you feel

I'm breaking down

I'm falling down

But now I'm breathing

And now I am scared to move

Don't listen to a word I tell you

Just take my hand

And I swear I'll make this up to you

I was feeling the night grow old.

So I've realized one thing.

I've always felt my parents weren't exactly the "nicest" parents ever. When I was young I actually disliked them because they constantly disallowed me to do many things; while my friend's parents practically allowed them roam around. I felt like they were a bit too protective.

Obviously that has changed drastically now that I'm older. In addition, I feel much different about them as if my perspective has changed. I think about my parents and I just realize how lucky I am to have such great parents. Yes, there are the occasional problems, but overall my parents are great. They aren't constantly oppressing, condeming me, or discouraging me. As a matter of fact, my mom would always support me through whatever I choose to do. They're incredibly nice even after I've done something wrong. My mom cooks everyday, it's not like I don't get allowance, I don't get yelled at for stupid reasons. My dad is really loving and I mean wow, what more can I ask for?

Then I think about my friends. I have so many friends with parents that are the complete opposite of mine. Whether it be threatening to disown a child, consistent oppression, or just being angry for plain stupid reasons, I just feel disheartened to hear about these things. It's as if the parents never realize the discontentment of their child. What's even weirder, I really want to help anyone with these kinds of parents. I'd honestly try my best If I could somehow help; like giving advice. Your parents aren't someone you should be hating; they should be someone you love and can look up to. But I know a lot of my friends can't possibly do that anymore and I completely understand why.

I just wish I could give them my parents for a day and see how wonderful they truly are. I just want to do something to show them how a true parent is. Unfortunately, this is impossible, unless of course they were somehow adopted. I don't know but, somehow the next generation of parents will be completely different in my opinion. Many people have experienced the feeling of horrendous parents so I doubt they'd make the same mistake to their child.

Now that I think about it, I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful parents.

I'm drinking ginger ale. And it's really late at night.

It's 3:30 AM, dead at night.

First off, I'm not even sure if anyone would ever feel this way so it's a bit odd that I would feel this way.

I have a friend who I used to be really close to although we don't talk anymore. I'm pretty sure that person absolutely hates me now, but it's funny.

Even though I might be disliked, deep down in my heart, I feel like I would still be there for that person. If they were in any type of trouble, I would honestly try my best to help them. I feel as if I owe a favor that I can never repay; or rather an apology. However, I know the chance to ever tell him/her about this will never come. It's rather disappointing that we don't talk anymore because that person is still dear to me, deep down. I undestand it's quite weird that I can possibly feeling this way considering that person hates me now, but still.

I'm a big believer of "sacrifice". No, not the sacrifice often linked with religion but rather putting time and effort into something one would want to achieve. I believe that if one were to put enough time and effort, almost anything is possible. I guess that's the reason why when i desire soemthing, I try my heart out. I would go beyond any possible lengths to achieve that goal.

But then there are times where I wonder, why do I even bother? I could be wasting my time completely trying to reach for something that is well, unreachable. But m dedication always shows, and I end up putting up a last endeavor, and usually it doesn't go quite well.

Recently I've realized I can't write. It's like I don't have any motivation to write poems or anything. And when I do write one, it just seems so immature in a way; something a sixth grader would write.

But whatever, here's one I wrote that sort of relates to what I meant by "sacrifice"

i told myself, for you i will

though to this moment i've stood still

contridicting what i said before

every word that promised i'd do more

to fight the bad feelings, lift my head high

to stop looking upon the all that's wrong in life

but something so critical can bring me so down

and in the next moment that smile turns into a frown

i think to myself, why, WHY am i so weak?

it seems every promise i make to myself i can't keep

but i told myself for you i will

so i'll strive for that goal until it's filled.

Today's lyrics are from Say by John Mayer

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living up the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off if you could only

Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end

It's better to say too much, than to never say what you need to say again

I do know.

Deep down in my heart I know what's right.

To perceive right from wrong, clearly in my sight.

To ask, to talk, to take a little walk.

Seemingly manageable, but I'm scared to take that fall.

Always thoughts and moments away

From doing what I dream about everyday.

Then I fidget, withdraw my hand.

And leave myself with a life oh so bland

Although I can't say that's a surprise

I never reach for that shiny golden prize.

Just someting I wrote, wonder if anyone can guess the meaning; feedback on poem?

So today, I went to YouthCan for my second week, and it was really fun. The things they have planned out always seem really fun and exciting. And there's a picnic next week!

It's very exciting, can't wait :)

Little Darling, it seems it's been years since it's been here

Okay no, it hasn't been "years"

Well so much for that "haitus", I feel like I really really need to rant; just go on and on.

Okay, so let's start. First off, Mega is finally over. I don't really know if this is exactly a good thing or not because I'm going to miss the atmosphere in Mega. My English teacher Mr.Dahilie (I think I spelled that right), was amazing. I really liked him because I understood his explanations and also he's one of the most patient teachers ever. Now that's Mega is over for the summer, I probably won't be going back for summer classes anymore. I'll miss that. Really.

I doubt in Bayside I'll ever receive a really good education. With each school year, there's always one or two horrible teachers that simply just can't teach, unfortunately. Wow, I can't believe school is almost starting. Am I looking foward to it? I don't know. Do I care? Yes I do.

Everytime I write a blog I always wonder about something. I hope nobody reading this blog is classifying me or stereotyping me in any kind of way. I might seem very "sad" and "moopy" while blogging but that's just to rant and vent every little thing inside of me. Why? Because I feel like I can't really tell anyone about these things anymore. I mean sure, I can tell my close friends but everyone has a limited attention span. Besides, I don't really want to annoy the crap out of them. Although I love to be ranted to, when other people have problems, I just love hearing them and attempt to offer a viable solution. Plus, having deep discussions with people bring's one another closer to each other! Oh, and not to mention, I deleted a lot of my notes on Facebook just so people won't judge me; considering my notes on facebook contain poems that are often depressing. But to me, it just seems that sad things are easier to write.

So if anyone happens to be reading this, just because my blog is filled with melancholy rants doesn't mean I'm truly like that! I hope no one misjudges me.

So someone tell me, what is confidence? How does one evoke it? How does one keep it up?

I don't think I will ever find the answer to those questions because the definitions I get just don't fit anymore. So hell, I'll be wondering forever. I think some of the most confident people are undeserving of it. It's like hey, great, you have confidence to do a lot of things. However, are your motives morally good? Having too much confidence of course can result in Hubris, and no one wants that. But of course, a tad bit of confidence is ALWAYS good.

Did I ever mention on this blog? I love singing. Absolutely adore, love it. If there was one thing I could do for a living, it'd be singing and writing music. As a matter of fact, I'd spend the rest of my life doing those two things and also pick up an instrument or two. I don't know why but my ambition is simply, music. I really love it.

But like most people, my voice isn't that great. Everyone tell's me I "can't sing". It really is quite discouraging at times but I guess I can't say I'm good, If well... I'm not. But I always sing randomly anyways, outside, at home, randomly with friends.

Writing lyrics, oh yes, I love this. What other better way to vent besides writing on a blog than with lyrics. With lyrics (or even a poem), the writer or poet can hide a secret message into their peice of art. Everything I write has some sort of hidden meaning to it; at least most of them.

I think I have more of a shot at this as a carrer consider I people actually give me positive feedback on most of my writings.

Instruments, hm. I really want to learn how to play a piano because it just seems so elegant. How can someone not want to learn it? It can be fast, slow, sorrowful, happy, loving, peaceful, etc. I do play my guitar and I've gotten better at it considering it's been around a month since I've gotten it. But wow, if I could learn both? That would be amazing.

Okay I'm done for today.

Lyrics, ah this is going to be hard, but I'll go with She Is Love by Parachute

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around

But she takes it all for me.

And I lost my faith, in my darkest days.

But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She's all I need

Well I have my ways, they were all in vein.

But she waited patiently.

It was all the same, all my pride and shame.

But she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.

She is Love.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have someone like that?